Rich Amooi

I was pretty certain that she was trying to break the Guinness world record for the most continuous mundane sentences to exit from a mouth during a single sitting. I wanted to stuff a few hundred napkins down her throat, cut off her oxygen, and watch, as she died a slow, slow death. I had a much better time at my Mother’s funeral.

Who does she think she is? This woman was trying to impress me with vocabulary words like opprobrium, wantonness, and photometry. But what she didn’t realize was that my elevated, providential, and idiosyncratic annals of jargon could straightforwardly kick her depleted, hideous, and unimpressive vocabulary’s ass all the way back to whatever planet it came from. How could Seth think that I would like a woman like this? Blind dates suck.

I looked around the restaurant, trying to see if anyone else was thinking of committing suicide. There was a cute older couple in a booth, holding hands, acting as if they had crushes on each other. I watched as the man across from me snuck his hand under the table, caressing his woman’s thigh, as she smiled, like a giddy schoolgirl. A waiter walked by, whistling, like he just received the biggest tip of his life. Everyone in the restaurant, including my date, seemed to be happy. Everyone…except for me. I prayed for her to have a heart attack or at least pass out, long enough for me to escape. Finally, thank God, there was light at the end of the tunnel.

“Well, I better get going,” she said. “I have to babysit my niece while my sister goes out to celebrate her 10^th Anniversary.” She grabbed her purse and stood up.  She continued talking, of course, “It was so nice meeting you. It’s quite refreshing to meet a man who’s such a good listener. You’re a rare catch, indeed. I’d love to see you again!”

I was on the verge of throwing up when she leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t one of those polite “first date” pecks on the cheek, though. She really kissed me. Passionately. And with tongue! Don’t ask me why, but for some odd reason, I kissed her back. And wow, did I enjoy it. It was so sensual! It was so magical! I was under her spell! She could have asked me to do anything at all, and I would have said yes, in a heartbeat! Murder? You bet! Treason? Absolutely! Arson? I’ll get the matches!

She pulled away, leaving me with my tongue hanging out of my mouth.

“So, what do you say?” she asked. “Would you like to get together again soon?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” I said. “I would love to.”

To the For Dummies executives: we need to talk. I have a great idea for a book that will sell billions. Every man in the world needs to read this book (and maybe a few hundred women). Here is a brief outline of my idea, as well as a sample introduction.  Call me! I’m serious, don’t piss me off!

Pissing For Dummies – A Book Proposal

Introduction

Chapter One: Choosing the Right Location

Chapter Two: Puddles and the Importance of Aiming

Chapter Three: Too Much Shaking = You Are Playing With it!

Chapter Four:  Asparagus – What the Hell?

Chapter Five: Washing Hands, What a Concept!

Chapter Six: That Burning Sensation and other Conversation Killers

Chapter Seven: Pissing in Your Pants – How Old is Too Old?

Chapter Eight: Urinal Etiquette: Conversing With the Man Next to You

Chapter Nine: Origin of the Word “Piss” and Other Neat Facts

Chapter Ten: The Toilet Seat – Up or Down?

Introduction

Congratulations! Whether you have purchased this book, received it anonymously as a gift, stole it, or found it on a bench at the bus terminal, you are well on your way to learning everything you have ever wanted to know about pissing. Since the beginning of time, there has always been a need for pissing. But nobody has ever had the balls to write a book about it. Until now.

I actually wanted to start writing this book back in 1998, but I had to take a piss and got distracted by something on television. I get distracted easily. The same thing happened to me back in high school and I ended up missing my entire sophomore year because of it. But when it comes to pissing, there are no distractions; when you gotta go, you gotta go. Well, except for my friend, Ray. He can hold it for days. Of course, he can trim his toenails with his teeth, so maybe he’s a bad example and just a freak overall.

Pissing changed dramatically back when those health geniuses recommended that people should drink eight glasses of water a day. Who the hell do they think they are to recommend such a ridiculous thing? Nobody wants to do that, not even intravenously. And anyone trying to follow their advice would have to triple their visits to the can each day. Productivity at work would suffer tremendously. Bottom line…too much pissing is bad for the economy and can cause unemployment.

I have another friend (yes, I have more than one, you bastard!) and he always sits down on the toilet while he pees, just like his wife. He said he started doing it because he and his wife would always argue about the toilet seat being up or down. I’ll get more into that topic in Chapter 10, and also let you know why I think he has lost his balls.

Location is just as important in pissing as it is in Real Estate. You just can’t piss anywhere. Well, unless you’re a dog…or my friend, Mike. His boldest move was pissing on the side of the Tulúm Ruins, near Cancun, Mexico. He told me it was good for the Mayan soil and that they could plant some “rosas” in that spot and help increase tourism. I snapped a photo of the lying bastard in the act, to keep as possible blackmail material. Please understand that I call him (and all of my family members, and everyone else for that matter) bastard with all of the love and respect from my heart, and that I would never actually blackmail him, unless I felt like it.

As for other bad locations for pissing, here’s the short list: the reserved parking spot for the Pastor at your church, inside of a dog park, in front of mosques in the Middle East (unless you’re trying to put out a car bomb fire), outside of the locker room at an all-girl catholic school, and within 5.5 inches of a table saw or sausage cutter (for me: within 12 inches). It may be best to also avoid Lake Baikal in Siberia. Although it is the largest lake in the world and a wonderful sight to see, it is also home to the infamous Dickmangle Fish.

But what are the best techniques for pissing? Is it okay to piss in front of your spouse with the door open? How long should you go before finally cleaning the rim around the toilet? Is pissing with no hands dangerous? You’ll find that after reading this book, all of these important questions will be answered and then some. You’ll also learn very quickly that you’ll have a more positive attitude about life, more energy, renewed motivation to achieve all of your goals, and most importantly, more confidence when you have your penis in hand.

Speaking of penises, you’ll notice that about 99% of the advice in this book is geared towards men, since they are the ones that just can’t seem to get a handle on pissing. That being said, women can also extract what they want from this book, and then simply spoon-feed it to their knowledge-deprived man slowly. Note to women: Your man will resist and say that he doesn’t have a problem with pissing, so it may be wise to sedate him before proceeding.  I recommend pills over beer, since a 6-pack will only cause him to piss even more. The best advice is to go through this book with an open mind. Set your expectations very low to ensure complete satisfaction. Once you have finished reading Pissing For Dummies, you are highly encouraged to journey deeper into the fascination of urination by reading these other incredible future New York Times Best Sellers: Pissing For Fun and Profit, All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Piss, and Pissing Your Way Into The Real Estate Business.

Enough said…Let’s Get Pissing!

About The Author: Rich Amooi resides in San Jose, California. He has been pissed on, pissed off, and most recently while in England, bloody pissed. The bastard is currently working on the forthcoming book:  The Wonderful World Of Liquids: My Life as a Bartender and Urinalysis Technician.