I love that she has no problem with public displays of affection; she never misses an opportunity to kiss me. Going up or down an escalator, she stands one step above me for easy access. A tippy-toes-lip-lock in line at Trader Joe’s or Costco is always expected. Whenever someone kisses in a movie, I get one. Actually, whenever someone appears in a movie, I get one. Kisses upon kisses upon kisses, they keep comin’ and comin’ and comin’…all day long.

She has even mastered the rapid-fire, machine gun kiss, able to deliver up to twenty-five kisses in under ten seconds (great for when we are at a stoplight and it’s about to turn green, or in a elevator before the door is going to open). And if I try to pull away, she’ll sometimes grab my neck, yank me back, and say, “I’m not done yet.”

I know I’m one lucky guy because kisses are healthy too. Hey Mom, put down that medical marijuana brownie and start kissing someone for a healthy dose of dopamine, oxytocins, and endorphins! That’s right, regular sessions of sucking face will boost your immune system, speed up your metabolism, lower your cholesterol, improve your mood, decrease stress, and keep your face tighter and younger looking, since you use over twenty-five facial muscles with each kiss. It’s no wonder I look like I am eighteen thirty under forty!

The world would be so much healthier and happier if we would all just start kissing each other all day long. Try it.  Right now. Kiss the person next to you!

**Please note: This is not advised if:

• You are in a jail cell.
• You are in line at the DMV
• You are in a job interview
• You are in the middle of a proctology exam

What about you? Do you have a kiss monster in your life? If not, do you wish you did? What are your thoughts when you see public displays of affection? Please leave your comment here.

Although my main focus for writing is fiction, I had this nonfiction book inside of me and just had to get it out! Of course, it is very special to me because it is the first book that I have published.

People had been telling me for several years that I should write a book about planning wedding receptions, so that I could share my knowledge and expertise with brides and grooms. Well, I did it and I’m very proud of the final product.

Wedding Receptions That Rock! Creative Ideas for Music and a Fun, High-Energy Celebration is for anyone planning a wedding reception, but can also be a great resource for DJ’s who are just getting into the business and want to learn some tricks of the trade. The digital version ia available for the Kindle is HERE. and for the Nook HERE.. Versions for iPad and Sony Reader will be coming soon, as well the paperback.

The cool part is that those are actually my clients (Katie and Dave Orsburn) on the cover of the book. This amazing photo was taken by Jeff and Julie Photography and I love it because it captures the energy and excitement that I talk about in the book.

Best of all, now that I have published this, I can get back to writing my romantic comedy, scheduled to be published in September!

Who does she think she is? This woman was trying to impress me with vocabulary words like opprobrium, wantonness, and photometry. But what she didn’t realize was that my elevated, providential, and idiosyncratic annals of jargon could straightforwardly kick her depleted, hideous, and unimpressive vocabulary’s ass all the way back to whatever planet it came from. How could Seth think that I would like a woman like this? Blind dates suck.

I looked around the restaurant, trying to see if anyone else was thinking of committing suicide. There was a cute older couple in a booth, holding hands, acting as if they had crushes on each other. I watched as the man across from me snuck his hand under the table, caressing his woman’s thigh, as she smiled, like a giddy schoolgirl. A waiter walked by, whistling, like he just received the biggest tip of his life. Everyone in the restaurant, including my date, seemed to be happy. Everyone…except for me. I prayed for her to have a heart attack or at least pass out, long enough for me to escape. Finally, thank God, there was light at the end of the tunnel.

“Well, I better get going,” she said. “I have to babysit my niece while my sister goes out to celebrate her 10^th Anniversary.” She grabbed her purse and stood up.  She continued talking, of course, “It was so nice meeting you. It’s quite refreshing to meet a man who’s such a good listener. You’re a rare catch, indeed. I’d love to see you again!”

I was on the verge of throwing up when she leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t one of those polite “first date” pecks on the cheek, though. She really kissed me. Passionately. And with tongue! Don’t ask me why, but for some odd reason, I kissed her back. And wow, did I enjoy it. It was so sensual! It was so magical! I was under her spell! She could have asked me to do anything at all, and I would have said yes, in a heartbeat! Murder? You bet! Treason? Absolutely! Arson? I’ll get the matches!

She pulled away, leaving me with my tongue hanging out of my mouth.

“So, what do you say?” she asked. “Would you like to get together again soon?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” I said. “I would love to.”

I learned a big lesson, though: always write my blog posts in Word and then copy and paste the final piece into the blog before publishing it. I’m glad it happened now while my subscriber list is smaller and not in the thousands. If you are not a subscriber, you missed it. Hopefully I won’t do it again. But now I am determined to finish that story and publish it soon, shitty or not. Stay tuned…

Pissing For Dummies – A Book Proposal

Introduction

Chapter One: Choosing the Right Location

Chapter Two: Puddles and the Importance of Aiming

Chapter Three: Too Much Shaking = You Are Playing With it!

Chapter Four:  Asparagus – What the Hell?

Chapter Five: Washing Hands, What a Concept!

Chapter Six: That Burning Sensation and other Conversation Killers

Chapter Seven: Pissing in Your Pants – How Old is Too Old?

Chapter Eight: Urinal Etiquette: Conversing With the Man Next to You

Chapter Nine: Origin of the Word “Piss” and Other Neat Facts

Chapter Ten: The Toilet Seat – Up or Down?

Introduction

Congratulations! Whether you have purchased this book, received it anonymously as a gift, stole it, or found it on a bench at the bus terminal, you are well on your way to learning everything you have ever wanted to know about pissing. Since the beginning of time, there has always been a need for pissing. But nobody has ever had the balls to write a book about it. Until now.

I actually wanted to start writing this book back in 1998, but I had to take a piss and got distracted by something on television. I get distracted easily. The same thing happened to me back in high school and I ended up missing my entire sophomore year because of it. But when it comes to pissing, there are no distractions; when you gotta go, you gotta go. Well, except for my friend, Ray. He can hold it for days. Of course, he can trim his toenails with his teeth, so maybe he’s a bad example and just a freak overall.

Pissing changed dramatically back when those health geniuses recommended that people should drink eight glasses of water a day. Who the hell do they think they are to recommend such a ridiculous thing? Nobody wants to do that, not even intravenously. And anyone trying to follow their advice would have to triple their visits to the can each day. Productivity at work would suffer tremendously. Bottom line…too much pissing is bad for the economy and can cause unemployment.

I have another friend (yes, I have more than one, you bastard!) and he always sits down on the toilet while he pees, just like his wife. He said he started doing it because he and his wife would always argue about the toilet seat being up or down. I’ll get more into that topic in Chapter 10, and also let you know why I think he has lost his balls.

Location is just as important in pissing as it is in Real Estate. You just can’t piss anywhere. Well, unless you’re a dog…or my friend, Mike. His boldest move was pissing on the side of the Tulúm Ruins, near Cancun, Mexico. He told me it was good for the Mayan soil and that they could plant some “rosas” in that spot and help increase tourism. I snapped a photo of the lying bastard in the act, to keep as possible blackmail material. Please understand that I call him (and all of my family members, and everyone else for that matter) bastard with all of the love and respect from my heart, and that I would never actually blackmail him, unless I felt like it.

As for other bad locations for pissing, here’s the short list: the reserved parking spot for the Pastor at your church, inside of a dog park, in front of mosques in the Middle East (unless you’re trying to put out a car bomb fire), outside of the locker room at an all-girl catholic school, and within 5.5 inches of a table saw or sausage cutter (for me: within 12 inches). It may be best to also avoid Lake Baikal in Siberia. Although it is the largest lake in the world and a wonderful sight to see, it is also home to the infamous Dickmangle Fish.

But what are the best techniques for pissing? Is it okay to piss in front of your spouse with the door open? How long should you go before finally cleaning the rim around the toilet? Is pissing with no hands dangerous? You’ll find that after reading this book, all of these important questions will be answered and then some. You’ll also learn very quickly that you’ll have a more positive attitude about life, more energy, renewed motivation to achieve all of your goals, and most importantly, more confidence when you have your penis in hand.

Speaking of penises, you’ll notice that about 99% of the advice in this book is geared towards men, since they are the ones that just can’t seem to get a handle on pissing. That being said, women can also extract what they want from this book, and then simply spoon-feed it to their knowledge-deprived man slowly. Note to women: Your man will resist and say that he doesn’t have a problem with pissing, so it may be wise to sedate him before proceeding.  I recommend pills over beer, since a 6-pack will only cause him to piss even more. The best advice is to go through this book with an open mind. Set your expectations very low to ensure complete satisfaction. Once you have finished reading Pissing For Dummies, you are highly encouraged to journey deeper into the fascination of urination by reading these other incredible future New York Times Best Sellers: Pissing For Fun and Profit, All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Piss, and Pissing Your Way Into The Real Estate Business.

Enough said…Let’s Get Pissing!

About The Author: Rich Amooi resides in San Jose, California. He has been pissed on, pissed off, and most recently while in England, bloody pissed. The bastard is currently working on the forthcoming book:  The Wonderful World Of Liquids: My Life as a Bartender and Urinalysis Technician.

This trail would be a great place for a human behavior expert to hang out for a few days to collect data. It really is fascinating. There are walkers, joggers, bikers, and the occasional rollerblader. As for the walkers, some keep their heads down or to the side as they walk, to avoid all possible human social interaction. Others appear to not even understand what I am saying. Many athletes have their iPods so loud that you could sing along to that Maroon 5 song with them.  Some women look at me as if I am trying to hit on them. Not! Others are so caught up in their gossip and talking crap about a co-worker or family member that they simply don’t hear me (even though I project very well and usually throw in a hand wave). I try not to be judgmental. Who knows what they have going on in their lives, right? And if they don’t want to say good morning, they really don’t have to! It’s their right. It’s their choice.

I do think it’s such a waste of an amazing walk in nature, though, when you don’t even notice the trees, the creek, the flowers, the smell, the wildlife, and the people, all around you.  This is life. I’m guessing most of the people didn’t even notice this amazing grasshopper on the fence as they walked by it. Or if they did notice it, they probably didn’t even take the time to admire it, thank the universe for it, or say good morning to it…like someone I know.

What about you? Do you say good morning or hello to people you encounter on a walk or in the cheese section at Whole Foods? Do you flash a smile their way? Or do you try to avoid eye contact and just move on your way? Just curious…

1) He’s pissed off at the owners of the laundromat because the chocolate stain on his “Got Weed?” t-shirt was actually bigger after he took it out of the washer. “That washing machine is fucked up!” he said.

2) He’s pissed off at his mom for the new mole he found while washing “his boys” in the shower at the YMCA yesterday. He blames her and insists she gave him the mole gene. “That mole is fucked up!” he said.

3) He’s pissed off at his boss for firing him after using foul language on the job. His response to his boss after being fired? “That’s really fucked up!”

I believe that these types of people attract the negative situations into their lives. So, it was no surprise when he stepped in dog crap. “That shit is fucked up!” he said. I really don’t see a future for him in public speaking.