I Crap in the Milk

Spaniards are very expressive. I know first-hand, I married one. They talk passionately about their country, their culture, their history, their fútbol (soccer), just about anything. They are amazing creatures and I am fascinated and in love with all forty-seven million of them. But you can’t take everything they say literally. Here’s a conversation between two Spanish people on the phone. This is my literal translation of their conversation from Spanish to English. After the dialogue, you can see what they really meant.

Julita:  Hey Boss, I can’t come in to work today. I have a very important bikini wax appointment.

Paco: I crap in the milk.

Julita. I’m really sorry.

Paco: Please don’t do this to me today. Not today!

Julita: My boyfriend and I have been getting very intimate lately and I think we are going to finally throw some dust.

Paco: I crap in the milk.

Julita: I want everything to be smooth, in case there are flies.

Paco: You don’t have hair on your tongue.

Julita: Just thinking of him gets me so hot.

Paco: That’s as important to me as a bell pepper. If you don’t get your ass in here, you are going to pay the duck. Do you hear me? I am the one cutting the cod fish!

Julita: I need a day off!

Paco: Don’t touch my eggs!

Julita: I’m not coming in.

Paco: I crap in the milk.

Julita: I may not come in tomorrow either.

Paco: You are like a goat.

Julita: Me? You are like a garden watering can! I quit!

Paco: I crap in the milk.

Julita: I didn’t want it to end like this.

Paco: And a ham! You probably had this planned.

Julita: Go fry asparagus!

The meaning of it all.

Spanish Expression: I crap in the milk. American Equivalent: Shit!

Spanish Expression: To throw some dust. American Equivalent: Have sex.

Spanish Expression: In case there are flies. American Equivalent: Just in case.

Spanish Expression: You don’t have hair on your tongue. American Equivalent: You speak your mind.

Spanish Expression: That’s as important to me as a bell pepper. American Equivalent: I don’t give a shit

Spanish Expression: You’re going to pay the duck  American Equivalent: You will suffer the consequences

Spanish Expression: I am the one cutting the cod fish! American Equivalent: I’m the boss!

Spanish Expression: Don’t touch my eggs! American Equivalent: You’re annoying me!

Spanish Expression: You are like a goat or a garden watering can American Equivalent: You’re crazy!

Spanish Expression: And a ham! American Equivalent: Yeah right!

Spanish Expression: Go fry asparagus!  American Equivalent::  Go to hell!


  1. Krasimir says:

    Now this is precious! The best cross cultural educational piece I’ve ever seen :)

  2. Rich, this is hilarious. Thank you for the guffaw.

    • You’re welcome Teresa. And thanks for using such a big word like, “guffaw.” Where’s my dictionary?

  3. Don’t take our hair! We are not at all like that! You are taking us for the whistle of a night watchman! I crap in the see!

    • Oops, I meant I crap in the sea, of course!

    • Rich Amooi says:

      Hi Isabel,
      Don’t worry, I won’t take you for the whistle of a night watchman! That’s funny. More Spanish expressions, thanks! I’m sure there are hundreds more I don’t know. :)

  4. Hilarious! I’m sure some of our conversations in English sound similar to those who don’t speak natively. I’m amazed how hard it is to edit out idioms when I’m trying to write or speak for a foreign audience.

    One of the reasons I’m afraid to use foreign languages in my writing is because I’m sure I’d make some stupid mistake and have the hero tell the heroine to go to hell when all he really wants is dinner. Shaking in my boots at the idea. 😉

    • Rich Amooi says:

      It’s true Gwen, you have to be careful. A Spanish word in Spain can mean something different than what it means in Mexico. For instance, “pinche” in Mexico means “fuck.” But in Spain, it means “helper.” So if you say, “My mother was a great pinche in the kitchen last night,” it may not go over so well with the fine people of Mexico.

      • oh my god Rich … I laughed so hard I almost peed a little when I read this. My parents had a hell of a time communicating as newly weds. Imagine my dad speaking Cuban mixed with spaniard spanish and my mom speaking mexican spanish. lol!!! All I can say is I’m so glad I wasn’t around for that!

        • Rich Amooi says:

          Claudia, you may wish to read my other post, PISSING FOR DUMMIES, to help you with your little problem. Good luck.

  5. Thanks for my laugh-of-the-day, Rich! I enjoy learning the etymology behind idioms, and you’ve piqued my curiosity with all of these!

  6. julialoha says:

    This is great! I would love to see part two, three, and four. The only way I would love, love, love it more would be if you included subtitles in Espanol. I am not Latino but speak a very small amount Spanish because I lived in Miami and Key West, Fl for a few years.

    • Rich Amooi says:

      Hi Julia,

      It crossed my mine at least ten or twelve times to put the Spanish in the posting, but I decided that it would be too wordy and maybe even distracting. I will give you the first one, though!

      I Crap in the Milk = Me cago en la leche.

      This is one of my favorite phrases in Spanish. It is not offensive in Spain and can be heard on television sitcoms and other programs. Gotta love it.

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