I Married a Kiss Monster

kiss monsterI receive more spankings  kicks in the crotch  spam  kisses per day than any other man in the world. I was thinking of converting one of those pedometers into a device that counts kisses, instead of steps, but I’d have to figure out how to mount it on my face.

I love that she has no problem with public displays of affection; she never misses an opportunity to kiss me. Going up or down an escalator, she stands one step above me for easy access. A tippy-toes-lip-lock in line at Trader Joe’s or Costco is always expected. Whenever someone kisses in a movie, I get one. Actually, whenever someone appears in a movie, I get one. Kisses upon kisses upon kisses, they keep comin’ and comin’ and comin’…all day long.

She has even mastered the rapid-fire, machine gun kiss, able to deliver up to twenty-five kisses in under ten seconds (great for when we are at a stoplight and it’s about to turn green, or in a elevator before the door is going to open). And if I try to pull away, she’ll sometimes grab my neck, yank me back, and say, “I’m not done yet.”

I know I’m one lucky guy because kisses are healthy too. Hey Mom, put down that medical marijuana brownie and start kissing someone for a healthy dose of dopamine, oxytocins, and endorphins! That’s right, regular sessions of sucking face will boost your immune system, speed up your metabolism, lower your cholesterol, improve your mood, decrease stress, and keep your face tighter and younger looking, since you use over twenty-five facial muscles with each kiss. It’s no wonder I look like I am eighteen thirty under forty!

The world would be so much healthier and happier if we would all just start kissing each other all day long. Try it.  Right now. Kiss the person next to you!

**Please note: This is not advised if:

  • You are in a jail cell.
  • You are in line at the DMV
  • You are in a job interview
  • You are in the middle of a proctology exam

What about you? Do you have a kiss monster in your life? If not, do you wish you did? What are your thoughts when you see public displays of affection? Please leave your comment here.


  1. I just kissed the person next to me (my boss). He just fired me, thanks a lot!!!

  2. I love the fact that after almost 29 years my wife and I still enjoy kissing each other. I often remark on how warm and soft her lips are. We still close our eyes and always come away smiling at each other. I’m with you Rich, it is a great habit!

  3. That’s because you married a European! Z and I are the same way. Yay! For kisses!
    Thanks for giving us a chuckle. :)

  4. Isabel gamallo says:

    Claro que me gustaría tener en mi vida un”Kiss monster.Y ,por supuesto también lo deseo.Qué que opino sobre esas demostraciones públicas de afecto.Me encantan , tanto en la vida real , como en el cine , siempre que sirvan para demostrar afecto o amor.!Ah? Yo también he tenido un”Kiss monster in my life”

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