I was pretty certain that she was trying to break the Guinness world record for the most continuous mundane sentences to exit from a mouth during a single sitting. I wanted to stuff a few hundred napkins down her throat, cut off her oxygen, and watch, as she died a slow, slow death. I had a much better time at my Mother’s funeral.
Who does she think she is? This woman was trying to impress me with vocabulary words like opprobrium, wantonness, and photometry. But what she didn’t realize was that my elevated, providential, and idiosyncratic annals of jargon could straightforwardly kick her depleted, hideous, and unimpressive vocabulary’s ass all the way back to whatever planet it came from. How could Seth think that I would like a woman like this? Blind dates suck.
I looked around the restaurant, trying to see if anyone else was thinking of committing suicide. There was a cute older couple in a booth, holding hands, acting as if they had crushes on each other. I watched as the man across from me snuck his hand under the table, caressing his woman’s thigh, as she smiled, like a giddy schoolgirl. A waiter walked by, whistling, like he just received the biggest tip of his life. Everyone in the restaurant, including my date, seemed to be happy. Everyone…except for me. I prayed for her to have a heart attack or at least pass out, long enough for me to escape. Finally, thank God, there was light at the end of the tunnel.
“Well, I better get going,” she said. “I have to babysit my niece while my sister goes out to celebrate her 10th Anniversary.” She grabbed her purse and stood up. She continued talking, of course, “It was so nice meeting you. It’s quite refreshing to meet a man who’s such a good listener. You’re a rare catch, indeed. I’d love to see you again!”
I was on the verge of throwing up when she leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t one of those polite “first date” pecks on the cheek, though. She really kissed me. Passionately. And with tongue! Don’t ask me why, but for some odd reason, I kissed her back. And wow, did I enjoy it. It was so sensual! It was so magical! I was under her spell! She could have asked me to do anything at all, and I would have said yes, in a heartbeat! Murder? You bet! Treason? Absolutely! Arson? I’ll get the matches!
She pulled away, leaving me with my tongue hanging out of my mouth.
“So, what do you say?” she asked. “Would you like to get together again soon?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely,” I said. “I would love to.”
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